This is the result of my awful sleep schedule.

Basically I'm on my A.D.D. meds and I can't sleep when I take them.
There was this 30 day challenge that I was going to attempt but honestly, I never can and I feel like writing my little heart out  SO I decided that I'd just take the questions and answer them like one of those myspace surveys but more thoughtful.


HERE GOES;;

What happened today? If it was the last day of your life, how satisfied would you be with your final hours?
     I woke up at Randi's. We went apartment searching and got lunch. I got home, did some chores and got sucked into my computer. Spent HOURS organizing my computer and my tumblr.... It was actually REALLY sad. So, if today was my last day? It'd be pretty pathetic. But I will say, I'm kind of excited I remembered HTML coding. I was going to re-do this blog, but it's just not worth the energy.

Who are you? In comparison to who you used to be. What made you change?

     This question is really tough... I've been thinking about this a lot lately and it's hard to examine who I am and have an objective view of who I was... But I know I'm a lot less nieve then I used to be. I also know that I'm a lot more willing to speak my mind then I used to be. Things are weird right now, I'm not who I want to be but I'm trying to get there. There are things that I feel like I need to do that I'm not "allowed" to do, (which sounds ridiculous considering I'm damn near 20 years old) but once I can be who I want without worrying about acceptance from a certain group of people, I'll soar, I know it. 

Where have you been spending your time lately? Three/Five/Ten years ago would you have expected to be there?

     I have been spending a lot of time with family, friends, work and home trying to keep my creativity alive (not sure how well that's working). 3 years ago; I expected that I would still be in school and "finding myself" and finding new friends and a new "crowed". 5 years ago; I just expected to be out of the house and FAR, like over seas or California or something. 10 years ago; I would've thought I would have been married and traveling.  Thinking about this has made me realize how short I've fallen.... ouch.

What do you think it means to be in love?

     Wow, that's intense. I essentially think that being in love means willing to let go of everything you are in hopes that the person you are in love with will accept you for all of it. Willing to be a part of something much bigger then yourself as well as be willing to allow your significant other to hold and see a part of you that you've never been daring enough to explore. It's the scariest thing someone could do but it's the most beautiful thing this world has to offer.

Talk about a recent experience that has effected you greatly and how.

     I kind of already did this in my last post but to recap;; I had lunch with my grandfather who, unlike the rest of my family, has always made me welcome and important. He's always been proud of me and never judged me based on the shallow things the rest of my family would and he was always willing to talk to me when I needed him. At this lunch we discussed my leaving school for a while and he asked me to just think about what I'd like to do with my life and I obeyed him. That meditation that I promised him has lead me to realize what I may want to do with the rest of my life. Become a piercer. This changes everything in ways that I'm not sure I can even comprehend yet. 

Do you feel protective over someone?

   I am extremely protective over my friends in general. I am also extremely protective of people getting discriminated against for things that shouldn't matter or don't define them as a person. I only hate 3 people on this planet, and all 3 of them, I hate because they fucked over my friends. 

When you are stressed, what can you use as an outlet? Why do you think it helps?

     I make art in some fashion. I usually sing but painting comes in close second and general crafting comes after. I enjoy making something tangible or audible. Not only that, but I LOVE singing. It's the purest form of expression if not in the lyrics but the passion behind your voice.... I'm not very good, but it's my favorite. Painting out your emotions can help out too. Writing is something I don't do as much as I used to, which kind of makes me sad, but it's one of my biggest coping mechanisms. This blog is definitely apart of that.

What are you passionate about?

     As previously mentioned, singing and body modifications (of all kinds).

Is there anything you would like to change about yourself?

     There's a lot in terms of physical appearance, but in terms of personality I would make myself a little more carefree. I'd also be more decisive and willing to take more risks. I'd also prioritize better and be more productive...

What do you think it means to be a good parent?

     Be willing to give up everything to make the best for you child. Show your children what it means to be a good person and what it means to be open minded. To explain to them your beliefs and why you hold those beliefs but not push them to believe the same.  Also, support them and let them know you will always support them. No matter what it is that you want them to do, if they decide that they'd rather be an artist, a business owner, in the military or a stay at home parent, you need to be there for them and just make sure they are safe and happy.

That's it for now I guess.  Next time I'll post something of substance. 

you want to do WHAT the rest of your life?!

SO, as of lately, I've been trying to figure out what I want to do in terms of careers and things. 

Now, I can already hear you saying "You're only 19, you can go to school and figure it out! Don't stress!"

Well, I'm taking a break from school and on top of that, you go to college to figure it out. So no, college isn't the answer for this one. 

My grandfather and I had a lunch the other day where we talked about what I was thinking about doing and how I just needed to think about it a little.... and I have.

I want to be a piercer.

Now, I know how this seems a little flighty, dreamy, unrealistic and impractical. But when it comes to what I want, this is it.

I've considered the alternatives, X-ray Tech, Social Work, Medical Assistant, Receptionist, Teacher..... and every time I've pictured myself there, I was miserable. None of them spark my interest, none of them get me excited or make me smile. In fact, I fear and loathe the day I will have to tell someone I have a mondane job that I can't express myself in any way, shape or form.

I've thought about the alternative alternatives; nail tech, massage therapist, hairdresser, graphic designer, struggling artist.... but as much as I enjoy these things, I enjoy them because I'm not forced to do them, I enjoy them because it's MY way of unwinding, getting AWAY from work. I don't think I'd feel the same if I HAD to do them in order to make a living. Which brings us back to;;

I want to be a piercer!

Nothing sparks my interests like the misunderstood world of tattoos and piercings. 

The artwork one decides to adorn their body with will never cease to amaze me. 

You may be asking, "but Francesca, then why don't you just become a piercer?"

Dear, dear reader, if only it were that simple.

I haven't talked to my family about it yet, but I can only imagine the conversation. 

"Franki, that isn't a CAREER" "Not under THIS roof you aren't" "I'm not allowing you to poke a bunch of holes in your face" "Do you know what kind of people are piercers?" "You are not going to disappoint us again."

Yep, that sounds about right. 

I'm terrified of even bringing it up to my parents, especially my mother. I don't know how to explain the passion I have for this stuff. Body Modification is something I hold dear to my heart and I'm not sure if they'd understand that. It's my favorite form of expression. It's visual, and it's a part of you. 

Now, what the hell do I do?

By now, you've seen this video and made your own conclusions about it, judged it, or simply disregarded it. 

But as facebook seems to be the center of social networking and sharing of videos, it's BLOWING UP my newsfeed. I've seen a plethora of reactions so far ranging from being in complete agreeance to absolute disgust to blaten anger.

Here's the deal;

I don't claim to be religious, but I claim to be spiritual. (Yes, I am one of those pretentious fucks) But I do so because of the things he mentions in the video. 

My beliefs are extremely complex, and I wish I could explain them in a way that did it justice but alas, I'm not much of a wordsmith nor am I one to preach what I believe 

(Although, I'm about to, to a degree..... not like anyone reads this anyways).

There are things that this video touches on, that the people who had a negative reaction, responded to. Those responses are entirely valid, but the issue is some of their arguments aren't strong enough to completely discredit what this guy is trying to portray (or at least what I think he's trying to portray).

The main arguments I've been hearing;

1. He says 'Why does it build huge churches, but fails to feed the poor" but churches donate all the time, and what about Mother Teresa and all the shelters churches create?

Yes, churches donate, yes some of the biggest charities have been created by churches and Christians but the point isn't that NO churches are being benefactors to the poor, but the fact that there are these GIANT mega churches that are spending more money trying to build franchises then trying to do "the Lord's work" and help those in need. 

Didn't Jesus say it's harder for a rich man to get into heaven then to get a camel through the eye of a needle?

If you have the money to create this mega churches, why aren't they being more proactive in their involvement in the community where the church could do the most good? With the people who could use the ministry, and are the men that God wants.

The point isn't that there are NOT churches that aren't benevolent, it's that there ARE churches that seem to be ignoring "the Lord's work" and franchising, which is entirely 

hypocritical. 

2. He keeps saying religion is bad, Christianity IS a religion!

Yes, in the literal sense, Christianity is a religion. But I don't think that he means Merriam-Webster's definition of religion. What I believe he is referring to are those institutions that are not Christ-like. Those that only give you rules of what not to do and how to behave. Those that do not encourage philanthropy but encourage giving to the church. Those that try and teach love thy neighbor but refuse to teach love thy enemy as well. Those that, instead of teaching act like Jesus, teach act like the religious men who judged, mistreated and looked down upon Jesus. The idea of religion is what causes people to strive for the perfect facade of a Christian instead of actually BEING one. Jesus states that he wants to tear down the temple to then rebuild it, meaning he wants to get rid of the WRONG in the temple and make it BETTER, stronger, more pure but instead we have these institutions that follow in the same footsteps as the men that called Jesus a drunkard.... 

See the issue?

3. He's a hypocrite for saying he hates, even resents religion....But he says he loves the church and the Bible.

He isn't being a hypocrite, he's explaining himself. If you take religion for how HE means it and not the textbook definition, there is a difference between religion and having a relationship with God and/or Jesus. His view of religion is that it's a bunch of guidelines that followed blindly, where as being a true Christian is having a relationship and behaving based on that relationship not based on rules and regulations. One can love the church and the Bible wholeheartedly and not believe in the false idea of religion. He names off the bad that religion has caused (the wars, lack of philanthropy, etc). These reasons alone are why he hates and resents religion. Before being saved, he was partying like the majority of us do and attending church on Sundays like that was enough. But after facing the humiliation of his addiction, he's faced with the reality of religion and although he went to church and followed some of the rules, he was still in a dark place. Finding the real relationship and realizing that just blindly following rules while doing as you please, lead him to a place he may have been able to avoid if he had had a real relationship with the Lord and wanted to strive for bettering himself in HIS name....

I'd resent it too.


4. "But if Jesus came to your church, would you actually let him in?" Are you dumb?! Of course we would! He's our Lord and Savior!
No, you probably wouldn't. He doesn't mean if Jesus was wearing a name tag, would you let him in. Of course you would. No one can refuse a deity if they were actually in front of you, what would they think? He means if a man as humble and as mild mannered came into your church looking no richer then the poorest member, would you welcome him into your church? Would you welcome a man who wants to DESTROY religions in order to perfect them in on a service? Would you allow a man who loves all those you have grown to hate? Would you let a man in who only preaches love and acceptance? What about a man that befriended a prostitute? Would you let a man into your sacred place of worship if he wanted you to love everyone no matter their past, their present, their name, age, religion, race, sexual orientation, handicap, or their sins? The most religious of men would call him a glutton and a drunkard, but if he came to you, would you honestly let him into your holy community? Or would you turn your backs because he isn't Christian enough for you because he reaches out to those who are "lower" than you?
Think about it. 

It's things like this that make me write waaaayyyyy too much... but honestly, it's a poem, about how he feels about religion. 

No two people interpret any religion the same way. 

The moral of his story was, essentially,  don't talk the talk if you don't walk the walk.

People should understand you are a Christian by your actions not by your facebook status. 

Fabric and paint and modge podge, OH MY!

As of lately, I have been on a crafting/artsy kick and it's beautiful. 

Painting, Drawing, Computer Graphics, Transfers, Sewing, Singing, Crochet, Writing, and Designing my future. 

I am one of those folks that isn't good at anything but is okay at  a lot  of things; So when I say I'm doing these things I don't mean they are well done, by any means. It means I am giving myself small projects and just playing around and seeing what works and what doesn't. 

I got a sewing machine for Christmas, along with painting supplies and drawing supplies and some books on each, which may or may not be the cause of aforementioned kick I have been on to just CREATE. 

Whatever it is, I love it. 

I haven't been this motivated to just create things in a long time. 

Although, I wish I was better at the things I've been doing and had more money to experiment with these things, it's so refreshing to making art in any form again. 

Another cause of this "kick" may be due to my record breaking stress level that I have had lately and, admittedly, been neglecting....

Thanks for the eye opener, angst. 

Eventually I'll post some photos of the stuff I'm working on.... Just gotta make something appealing.

HELLO, 2012.

Here's the deal. 

I made a promise to start really blogging last year, and realized (just like everything else), I failed to keep up.

SO;; here I am. 

TAKE TWO. 

This past year has been a rough one. 2012 doesn't look like it'll be much easier, it actually looks like it's going to be 90000 times more difficult. But alas, it still looks promising. 

Let me bring you up to speed;; 

-I started dating Kyle <3 (I don't care if it makes you ill, I'm gonna be annoyingly smitten with him, get over it.)

-I went back to Shawnee

-I began to have a mental breakdown......weekly.

-I made the decision to take a semester off

RECAP;;

I am taking time off school and going to find a job and work my little (HUGE) ass off. (p.s. you know anyone hiring full time, let me know)

I was really overwhelmed and thus, I took a few days and spent it with only family, 5 days to be exact, just to get my mind together, and it actually just ended up stressing me out a little bit more. Not to mention the only people who texted me while I was gone, were the people I need to either space myself from and not allow myself to remain attached to people who are toxic to me, even if I'm not attached romantically. 

This is a lot of rambling and I'm pretty sure that no one even reads this, but I'll update more.

  I PROMISE 

The arrogance of the ignorant.

Today is just one of those days.
The kind of day where you kind of hate everyone. The kind of day where if someone says something in the wrong tone or looks at you the wrong way, you just loathe them and let them know it.
Well, generally I would let the anger consume me, have my bad day, then sleep it off and be fine.
But not today.
I decided I'm going to fight this, and be happy. I know there's nothing to be angry about, so I'll MAKE myself be happy....
Bad Idea.
People's constant remarks that I can usually ignore just kept running through my head and I can't just let it go. I went to make a facebook status about it, and couldn't stop writing, that's when the idea hit me... BLOG ABOUT IT.! duh. I've been slacking anyways. So... here goes the rant.

The arrogance of the ignorant is by far, the most annoying thing I have yet to come across.
More annoying then the bottom of my pants being wet or people not understanding how turn signals work. (although both seem ridiculous they were considered my biggest pet peeves).
I started to blame my generation for this arrogance and ignorance when I realized the generations before us are far worse and the generation below, is either apathetic to everything or over emotional.
I have yet to find an age group of people that understands or is open to understanding the world, just small groups of people.
Yeah, yeah, small group of people can make the world of difference, but seriously?


*please note that I posted this in FEBRUARY*

Cycles: the basis of life 

and the pain in my ass. 

Everything in life goes through a cycle, whether it be it's life cycle or any other cycle that can/do occur throughout the day. But there are some that we can control without it being essential to life itself. 

Some of these are the trends in our wardrobe, some of them are our favorite colors and some are how our relationships function.

The last one is what this post will be about. 

There are a few people that our relationship is almost completely based on these cycles that we create. 

For instance, my mother and I. From the time I hit puberty to the time I left for college, we had a cycle throughout the year. We'd start off great. She would trust me, I would do my chores, I would tell her things going on in my life, and things were grand. Then one of two things would happen, I would slack on my chores and pretend to make an honest effort to do them OR my report card would come (which was always a cause for a fight seeing as I was never quite the honor roll student) and metaphorically and graphically speaking, shit would hit the fan. So, a majority of the time in high school was spent in said "shit-hit-fan" stage.

Since I've gone to college that cycle hasn't changed, but the amount spent in each stage has changed.  She gets furious with me, shit hitting the fan kind of angry, but it lasts   m a y b e   a weekend, and then it's done. We become the disgustingly loving mother daughter duo and stay in that state for far longer.

But I have cycles with a few of my friends. 

Mr Always-There for example; he's always been there for me (go figure) and 8 years into our friendship I'm realizing the majority of the time that I seek him out is when I need him and I let our relationship fall to the wayside when I'm in a relationship. It broke my heart when I finally realized it and have been making an honest effort to change that. 

Then, there is Mr Wishful Thinking; he's the one I get my hopes up about frequently. We have this cycle where we text non-stop for a few weeks and things seem to be going well, we announce whatever feelings are present, and they are usually mutual and things go swimmingly. Butterflies and giggling at texts, the whole nine yards (as horribly cheesey as THAT is).  After a few weeks, I notice he's not texting as much, and I start trying to over analyse things, feel like I'm getting mixed messages and attempt to quit the process, inevitably pushing him away. we don't talk for a few months, then one of us texts the other, and BAM, again starts the cycle of wishful thinking. 

"This time will be different" "We're being super up front, I can't get hurt". 

wishful thinking. 

These cycles are what keeps life going, but also causing a metaphorical pain in my buttox.